Take This Job and Shove It... next month

I was doing my taxes the other day and realized that having a second job was actually costing more than helping me. At the second job I don't make much or work more than 15 hours a week so they don't take much out for taxes. When I added that job with my primary job it took all the money I would have received in a refund and made me owe money. I was pissed. I added in a few credits on the form and the amount I owe went down to $49. I have never paid taxes. Yes, I have made more this year than I ever have. Yes, I didn't follow up on making the second job take more money out of the paycheck. I needed all the money I make there to pay bills.

I thought about the money I would have gotten in a refund. I thought about the increase I am due for at the primary job next month. It was almost the same amount. The husband already gives monthly weekly through direct deposit to help pay for the bills of the house. We made that agreement when he moved in and I quit the second job I had then. I also added him to my health insurance at work in order to save us a few bucks. He has paying insurance for one person for what I could get at work for the two of us. I have yet to get more money from him to cover that loss in my paycheck. He knows it is coming and I am debating the amount.

The thing is I am big on being independent, on paying my own way. This is something that bugs him because he is quicl to say take the money if you need it. I hate asking for money. I hate working so hard and not having enough. I hate that I pay the most for my credit cards, half of which came from carryingthe ex-es bills while we were together. I hate that I depend on my tax refund to pay my property taxes. The husband offered that money today. I hate that I need his hand out to get it paid.

Sure, I do the majority of the housework. I clean, cook and do laundry. The husband takes out the trash and recycling. Once a year he mows. He does fix things that break and has redone the bathroom and plans on building us a much needed shed.

He is doing well financially because he rented out his house and now has extra cash. Actually since we have been together he has had extra cash. He doesn't have many bills and unlike his ex I don't take his whole paycheck. He is richer with me and has come to own multiple vehicles and now a Wii. If he wants something he can buy it.

Anyway, so I am thinking about how the amount I loose in taxes and the amount I get in my pay increase (due to a loophole in the policy where if the starting pay increases the supervisor can rotate us through a position number and get us the new starting pay according to our years of experience) are about what I make at the second gig. Plus if you factor whatever strange mathematics explains the time used to do the job and drive and the cost of gas then there is no denying that I benefit even more from leaving the second job. Not to mention that I don;t really enjoy it. I am a glorified babysitter.

I have been trying to get out of the job but I needed the money. I tried a teaching job and I didn't like their phoney, BS method of online teaching. Plus I didn't follow their instructions cause, well, they sucked. I kept looking for other teaching jobs. I didn't get anywhere. I took the second job for good reasons - paying bills and getting more experience. Ok, I have done it for a year now. I can honestly say I would rather work with adults - the worst of the worst adults. Kids come with parents and parents are needy and worried and spastic. They want you to fix their kid. I mainly educate and occasionally counsel the kids.

So now I so want out of the gig thinking of how it is not worth it financially. It doesn't pay much per hour. I give up most Saturdays to do it and one weeknight. The husband would give me more money just to keep me home. I have been taking one Saturday off a month so we can do stuff and spend more time together. That makes my paycheck suffer and I feel the intern is judgemental. That is a whole other story.

I know what I have to do, it is now just waiting for the pay increase at the primary job, or as the husband calls it, my real job. For some reason I feel guilty about wanting to leave. Most of the people there are so nice. They did screw me in the past when they did not offer a job that I worked there last time just waiting for it to open up. They managed to remember me when they had to fire the chick.

But I know what I have to do. The husband and I are trying to have a kid. I hear they take a lot of time. Just kidding. I am in for so sleep and lots of poop. It's like the dogs but times 1000. And I applied to graduate school. I finally complted the application and in a few months I will hear if I am in. It is a long program. It is even more debt, but I figure I am already all in with money why not spend more. I may not make but 20 to 30 thousand more a year, but I will get to make people call me Doctor. So True.

The week of MLK

So we are 18 days into 2010 - A Space Odessey. I thought about how I need to write more. In the time I have available I have been beaten down by my day or I have to make dinner, wash clothes, clean or catch up on people's status online.

Thursday...

I woke to throw up all over the couch and on the dining room floor. I gagged trying to clean up the egg white consistency puke on the floor. I decided to stay home since the dog is sick and looking funny, I was already sick to my stomach and well, I have leave time. Come to find out it is storming bad at work and I probably am better off at home.

So I am trying to get through some of my to do list as well as screwing around online. My virtual cafe doesn't run itself. I left the Today show on which is not my fav. Daytime TV sucks for the most part. The room with the computer just has the digital box so there isn't much to watch. I dispise court shows. I don't enjoy talk shows. It is a little bit my own personal hell.

Ugh my stomach. Maybe there is a reason I was home so not to experience discomfort at work.

So I'm watching the Today Show and they have a segment about Kids Stress. This is something I see at work and with my neices. The oldest is always stressed and depressed. I thought it was an interestingtopic. They talked about getting kids to blow bubbles in order to get used to taking deep breaths. They also had drawing and play doh and other items for de-stressing. But the whole thing mainly made me think about why are children so stressed out these days. I think it is parents.

We live in this must have it now society where people work all the time and are connected to technology all the time. People are forgetting they left their babies in the car. They are less connected with their kids. They are focused on themselves.

Not that I cantalk with no kids of my own. I only know what I see at work, my family and friends. I see more dysfunction that functional. Sometimes there is a bright light and a decent kid with their head on their shoulders.

Then I look at myself. I spend far too much time playing round online - games, checking people's status and watching TV. I don't even talk on the phone much. My oldest neice is all about texting. The husband bought a Wii the other day. At least it is something we play together. But we interact by playing video games, eating or watching TV. I keep thinking we need a game night. We are already trying to plan on doing things. We have stuff planned for the next couple months. The other weekend we went a couple hours away and the road trip was fun. We didn't have a plan. He just wanted to go to Bass pro Shop - the new husband Mecca. I dragged him to a store I had only been to once and am fascinated by - IKEA. I am working on educating people one by one on the company.

The husband doesn't like IKEA... because no one else was dressed in camo. I feel weird in there too. I am no yuppie. I just like looking at different stuff. Plus some prices are very good. My cats play the heck out of the tent thing I bought there. It is all about something new and different. I go to walMart all the time, I need something new that isn't a department store or overpriced retailer.

I admit it... I like to, on occasion, go to a store and look around. My favorite times of year to do this is Halloween and Christmas. I like to check out new stuff and of course try to find a deal. I have certain stores that I like to check out that I have found stuff in the past. Maybe this is why I have so much stuff in my house. Not to the level of the show Hoardsers, but more than I would think I need.

That leads me to what I have been pondering... stuff. The husband finally cleaned out his stuff and brought most of it to my house. My spare bedroom then became the storage drop off. It was driving me crazy. Little by little I have been cleaning it out and moving things around in order to incorporate his things into the house. I put a shelf in the master bedroom for him to put his things on. I moved shelves out of the spare bedroom (that have been there for almost 10 years) into the room with the computer. It is startingto come together. Over the weekend the spare bedroom became a bedroom again. What was left is a dining room with stacks of things to send to the in-laws for their next yard sale and a queen size mattress in the living room standing against the wall.

The husband says I am OCD. If you saw my house you wouldn't think that. There is always tumble weeds of dog hair rolling thru the living room, dishes on the counter and usually a pile of mail or paperwork on the island that never seems to go away (a bad habit I blame on my mother the human hurricane of piles of papers). The husband's ex DID NOT clean. I know that from the month long effort to clean out his house in order to rent it. It was gross. I cannot fully describe the level of filth. But I can try...

To start with there was a smell. He cleaned the first day without me but reported that there was food and plates eaten off of left around the house. Oh, I forgot, the house was not lived in for a year and a half prior to us cleaning it out. There was stuff everywhere. We took out bags and bags of trash. He didn't want much from the house except his things that were in his bedroom like it was a storeage unit. We threw out the junk and set aside what we thought we could sell at a yard sale. Side note... between that stuff and stuff my in-laws threw in we made over $400 at a 2 day yard sale. We sold over half the junk. When the weather is better we plan to have another and as mentioned I have some to add too.

So my level of clean may be higher than the husband but I don't have OCD. I just feel better if the kitchen counters are clean and things are put away. This is noyt an always thing. But I am home things should be cleaned. The husband has been a bad influence about getting me not to clean as much on the weekend. He is all about not cleaning. The main thing driving me crazy right now is how the clean clothes are sitting in the baskets forever since I am the one putting it all away. It takes so long to put his clothes and my clothes away. I don't do his socks or underware, but then they sit in the basket for him to dig thru daily. Plus I swear he now owns more clothing than I do. Of course the shirts are 50% camo and 50% Gators. I don;t fit in 20% of my clothes now, but that it a whole other story....

Year in Review

Someone recently sent me one of those emails that listed all their family did this year. I am not into writing all that to people I know. I am lucky if I remember anything from the past week, let alone the whole year. So it got me to thinking... what the hell have I been doing all year?

I know I work too much. I recall giving up most Saturdays to that endeavor. I recall seeing the Monster Truck show last year. The audiance was a bunch of freaks, so we blended right in.

We went on two vacations. We drove around North Carolina. We drove across Tennessee to see Graceland. Of course the Husband complained it wasn't all that big. I reminded him it was his idea to go. I had suggest the closer destination of Nashville. We ate on Bealle St at the place with really old grease. We had hamburgers. Dudes were begging for money on the street. It was interesting.

We stopped in Nashville on our way back and of course we must go there again. We ate BBQ and went to a restaurant called Aquarium with a huge, you guessed it, Aquarrium.

I bought a new car. The ex was still on my sweet ride and when I went to renew the tags I couldn't because obviously he is still an idiot and something was up with his license. So I traded the 116,000 mile car in for a brand new car. Lower cost, longer warrenty and still very cute. It is like riding in a Bucks Rogers spaceship. All I need is Tweekie.

I applied for a doctorate program. It was a free application, so what the heck. I also started supervision towards licensure. My supervisor is cool, very Freudian, but a big fan of me. He was supportive of applying for school. The longer I work my job the more I realize that I need to do something more since so many of my coworkers are morons. It is amazing how few people have common sense. One lady has a terminal condition of foot in mouth disease. She also has Two Face syndrome.

The husband has been buying vehicles. Two pickups, a Bronco and now a Mustang. He is a vehicle hoarder. He has finished up two and is still driving them. I am wondering when he will sell one. He claims 2010 is the year.


Goodness, what else. I feel like I work all the time so that is most of my year. 2010 I plan to working on phasing out the second gig so I can have weekends to do stuff. I was talking to the Husband the other day about goals, since I do not do Resolutions. We want to have a kid. I am sure my old eggs are half rotted, but what the heck, everyone is doing it :)

Silence

I no longer talk to Hannah. I went through holding my tongue, getting angry, having bad dreams and stressing myself out. I tried telling her to focus on work and that I didn't want to hear the negative gossip junk. She became practically a stalker. I was fed up with the emotional blackmail and the two faced BS that she would not stop doing.

It has been a couple months. I am so much calmer. I am the sort to internalize - which explains the bad dreams and also not having my period in October. I was on vacation having dreams about the idiots at work. I knew what I had to do. When I came back she wasn't talking to me. A few days later she un-friended me online. I figured she did it for me.

It wasn't long that my usually oblivious supervisor asked about how he "noticed we weren't talking." I think she said something to him. He even asked if I thought we would be friends again. I was honest and said no, that too much has happended, that I didn't trust what she says to the supervisors, etc. I didn't talk badly about her, I just said how much calmer my work life was and how I no longer had bad dreams. I know he didn't get what all had transpired.

So over the past couple months Hannah has been pissing people off right and left. People have mentioned how she is acting different. I know that I hurt her feelings. I just knew I couldn't tell her the truth... that she is everything she bitches about other people - two faced, phoney, liar, has her own agenda, manipulative, slacker, so on and so forth.

Also I have not seen the level of drama that she did when I was talking to her. Maybe it is because she doesn't have the power base in the office. Maybe it is because I was the catalyst for the drama. I am not sure what it is. She still slacks at work. She still takes a lot of time off. She still talks on the phone all day and surfs the net. I thought maybe she would realize with all the changes at work and the buckling down everyone else has done that she need to pick up the pace.

I felt bad at first for just stopping talking to her. The other day I realized that I made the right choice. It was a toxic friendship. Sometimes you have to let people go. When it comes down to it a person has to do what is right for themselves. Of course the Husband knew a long time ago that she was nothing but trouble. A few coworkers saw that too. Now more people talk to me than when they thought I was joined at the hip with Hannah. I think that says a lot too.

Riled Up

So, the Hannah stuff is still bugging me. I have been pulling back from my interactions with her. She is drama filled and always wanting to gossip and get riled up about everybody's junk. Yes, I get riled up about plenty of things. Like today I got riled about her trying to take the car deal and turn it around for her own.

Let's see... months and months ago she said she was looking for a second car for her hubby. I told her my husband's father had a truck he was going to fix up and sell. She talked to my husband and his father and made the deal. She gave them a deposit. Months after that I told her they found a smaller truck. She wanted to change the deals and get the smaller truck. She talks to my father in-law and claims he "yelled at her." He says no refunds on deposits, its that deal or no money back. I get pissed thinking she is being wronged and tell her I will do right by her.

I get into an argument, probably our worst, with my husband. he says that is the way deals go... no place would give her the money back when she didn't hold up her end of the deal. I say I will get her the money even if I have to pay it. I felt that was right. I even got the husband to say that he would pay half and I would get the other half. I call Hannah and tell her. She says she has to talk to her husband about changing to the smaller truck and will call me back. Months later no mention of the deal. No mention of anything about the whole thing. Another co-worker said not to bring it up and not to offer some of the money.

I say nothing. Today she comes to me and asks if my husband would still sell her a truck. I say nothing about how the smaller truck is finished and they are selling it. I just say that she needs to talk to my husband. Then I talk to a co-worker, an honest, reliable source. She says that Hannah asked her if she wanted thr truck and that she could buy it and sell it to her.

That seriously pissed me off. Hannah is at the level of NO DEAL and she is trying to make deals. She hasn't even talked to my husband or my father in-law, who she months before hung up on. Hannah also brought up to the co-worker small claims court if she doesn't get her money back. She had mentioned that to me months before - back when I offered the money back and she said nothing. The co-worker told me months ago that this whole thing would get worse. She was right.

The thing is, I am so over Hannah and her juvenile BS. How many times has my husband, the Milkman, told me the woman needs to "Grow the Fuck up!" As time goes by I have realized that that is her problem. I wouldn't care so much if her juvenile ways hadn't started a shit storm at work. I still feel like I am being watched since a psychotic co-worker alleged that I was harrassing her. It was Hannah who was emailing her back and forth and throwing my name in there. Anyway, besides that I can't trust what Hannah has said to anyone - co-workers, supervisor, anyone. I have caught her in numerous lies. When called on them she denies them. It is getting old hearing her bitch about the clicky co-workers who sit around like hens and cackle when she is doing the exact same things.

I decided last month to actually focus on work, leave the gossip and junk behind and do, uh, my job. I know, strange thought, but I figured I could possibly stay out of the BS if I work. Work seems to scare off a bunch of my co-workers. Hannah didn't take too well to my not wanting to hear the hearsay. She actually went home early one day because she had a panic attack because she thought I didn't like her. Not only that, but she told that to our supervisor. Who does that? The woman is nearly psychotic. She calls me that night and cries and afterwards I feel emotionally blackmailed.

So as time goes on I get to fear more and more resentment with Hannah. I haven't confronted her or told her what is up. She just thought I was pissed at work stuff last week. I am not good at telling people how I feel. I am mpre likely to write a person off and move on. I have been not talking to her so much. I don't answer her texts. I try and keep it professional at work. When I get less pissed I hear the junk today and it gets me riled up again.

It's just that I am over it. Hannah and I have been "friends" since I started working there. I took her as she was and got into several BS things with co-workers because she is the drama queen. Then I started seeing the lies, the laziness, the blaming others for what she doesn't get done, the telling things to the supervisor and ratting people out. I realized that she does the things that she bitches about - two faced, making others look bad to cover her inadequacies, the lies...

I know, I need to be honest and just let her know that I am not her "bud." I am such a wimp at that junk. It's not like I play the BFFF. I told her about the professional stuff. She knows I am applying for a doctorate program. I can't play around and get sucked into stupid junk. I will let her know. I just know that when I am pissed the worst things get out of my mouth. What also bigs me is her constant people pleasing and how she tries to kiss up when she knows she is in the wrong. Must stay strong. She doesn't have as much to loose as I do. We have completely different jobs.

We'll see how it plays out. This whole truck thing may be the end unto itself. I am not going to have miss wishy washy pull more crap over and over. Flip flopping bugs me too.

My Own Anger Management

I have been getting frustrated a lot lately. I yell at the dogs, get pissed at the husband, get aggravated at work and with coworkers. There has been lots of BS at work, so I figured it was just that. I long ago stopped talking to the crazy one at work, but then the professional stirrers got involved. My name was thrown in the mud. I have been trying to stay busy and not get into the drama. But my name came up not long ago when the crazy one was sent to another location due to her stalking problem (thank goodness not on me).

So anyway, I realize that my friend at work, Hannah, is a drama queen. I may not be in the mud if it wasn't for her beef with the crazy one. So I told her last month that I was going to be more professional and stay out of all the rumors and talking about people. It worked at first, then she claimed she had a "panic attack" thinking I didn't like her anymore. She even told the supervisor this.

So the other week Hannah goes on vacation. It was a week of calmness. It was great. There was no she said/BS/drama junk. Work got done. The supervisor saw some of the work Hannah wasn't taking care of. When Hannah returned and heard that all was quiet she said "I hope you don't think it is me."

I had snapped at her a while back when she was trying to handle something for me and I felt like she was trying to control. I feel like I am ready to snap again. I have been talking to the husband about it. His advice has been the same for a while... "Tell her to grow the Fuck up!" I know she is being immature and her antics are reflecting upon me. the problem is I can't undo what has been done.... the Crazy problems, her telling the supervisor who knows what and that some coworkers believed what Crazy told them. I can only go forward. I can only work and let her know that I am not listening to the rumors.

But I have trouble with telling people stuff I know they will not like. I have trouble in these situations in being assertive. I know what I need to do, but I feel like I am whimping out. I know that if I don;t deal with the issue then I may snap and I will become more and more resentful of this chick. I want to be a "friend" but I don;t want this junk affecting my job.

I know, I know, I answer my own junk and the acting on it is the tough part. I want to just close my office door and break off from the outside world. I want to hole up and be the bitch and not speak to the fakes, liars and dramatic people. I want to do my eight and hit the door. I don't care about interacting anymore. I am still thinking I am being watched since Crazy threw my name under the bus. She was trying to save herself by saying I was being hostile to her. How is that true if I don't talk to you since April? Anyway, that is cognitive distortions under the bridge. I need to focus on getting the paperwork together for my application to a doctorate program. I hope I have a chance of getting in since I cannot imagine being in my current job position for the rest of my days. I will go mad :)

Talk about a scared straight program

I was just screwing around online deleting email on an old account when an IM came up from none other than....

The Pathological Liar

Look back about 2 years ago and he made it on some blogs. That idiot from online dating who has to be the most full of it person I have even met in my life (and I have met a lot of people with antisocial personality disorder). He was the one who I just wanted to meet to see what this piece of work who thought he was god's gift to women would look like. He stood me up multiple times, with outragious excuses. When I met him he was a total let down. His phone voice was the best part of him. He was a sloppy, balding oaf. And I don't talk much about other people's looks when I am no Carmen Electra.

So I meet him, he has no game. Well the phone calls weren't much better, but I was bored. He tried testing me on books at a book store. Like I had to be worthy. I just had to be a warm body for this one. He even tried to make a move and kissed me. I was definitely not giving an "go signals." The kiss was nothing exciting. I should have yawned. But this guy thought he was the hottest thing in town. I thought he was a slightly less hairy Sasquatch. I just wanted to prove myself right about Mr Pathological, and I did. He would try and call a little while after. I told him I met the husband and he left me be. He finally admitted he was married. I knew there was something there. Who only calls on their way to places or when traveling? It was far too obvious. I may not have been the most educated on men, dating or how to use my feminine wiles, but I know people. And I was not born yesterday (although some still try me cause I look so dang young and innocent, if only they read this).

So tonight, almost two years later the guy is obviously bored and trolling. He sends a IM saying hi. I was bored and knew this would lead to something to write about that is not bitching about work, so I wrote hey back. It did not take long before he was trying to see where he could get. Then he asked what my name is. I, being me and all, had to give him a hard time about going thru his IM list and having no idea who he was talking to. He says he has an open marriage (ok, sure, as far as your wife doesn't know). I tell him nothing accurate and see how long this fool tries. I insult him multiple times (yes, that is the me + online guys = M.O.).

He tries to say he only slept with women. That could be true since his game is so pathetic. Helen Keller would have known he was full of it. Well he tried lamely to get info from me. I gave none. He realized he was beat. I insulted a few more times and logged off.

Some men sure are dopes.

OMG

I am cool with listening to people's craziness at work. As long as they are a client I have so much patience. But when it is my family member or a friend it is driving me crazy. They don't listen cause they are not interested in making a change in their life.

Case in point. I usually only get phone calls from the husband. Most others text me. Today I get two calls from my sister. It is all about how she got hit in the face by our brother's friend and she kicked my brother out (since he is homeless and staying with her) cause he thought she was to blame. She just calls to bitch. I haven't talked to her in months. She didn't file charges on the guy.

Then I get the call from my coworker Hannah who had a panic attack because she thought I was mad at her. OK, I admit it, I have been pulling away from her and all her drama at work cause I have gottn into too much junk. I have a psycho coworker telling people I am saying all of this stuff about mean thiongs I do to her (which is not true) and going to my boss about her psychotic thoughts. So I have all this trash talking about me that is not true and people belive it. I wouldn't care about that, but my good name is tarnished. They aren't talking about my work which is above board, but false junk. So I am fed up with the constant BS. I changed offices to get away from the chick. I stay in my office and have to watch what I say in the hallway so I don't get accused of stuff I didn't say.

So Hannah is driving me nuts. She is insecure, inmature and paranoid. She has been two faced and I have caught her in lies that she doesn't fess up to. She has gotten to where she takes it upon herself to speak for me. Now I am very independent and I can handle my own stuff. She means well, but it is getting to the point where she is overstepping.

I know, I sound psycho in the previous paragraphs. I was typing while talking to my sister. She rattles away and says nothing and has no interest in me saying anything. I don't have normal familial relationships. My mother is more like the child. My sister is not there for advice or someone to listen. My brother is a pro crack head, so he doesn't chat often. I am not close to cousins. They are all older. My aunts are not in touch. The one that makes the most sense is my oldest niece and she's almost 16.

I know the husband is tired of listening to the work drama. I know I have been crankier lately. I go to work and try to be "professional" and focus on the job and Hannah takes it all personal. I can't escape it. I know I am being emotionally blackmailed. I know that I am not responsible for anyone else's emotions. That is all them.

I am just so frickin tired. I spend my work day helping people with their problems, people with diagnosis and medication. I have only so much patience. I have run out of it for the "have no diagnosis and therefore have no excuse" people. I am considering becoming a hermit again.

Complaints Department

I went to the doctor. Yes, I got the whole nine yards for my yearly physical. As usual I was the youngest one with an appointment. I saw a guy in the waiting room who looked in his 20s, but he was obviously waiting for someone (his grandma perhaps). I found out a lost 4 more pounds (yeah me). They gave me a cloth gown instead of last year's paper model that barely covered the yaps. The cloth model went around me one and a half times and was nice and long. They even gave me a snuggly blanket to cover and warm the nether regions.

I breathed thru the exam. It was over quickly. I got the feel up, I mean breast exam. The chick even said I can get a mammogram if I want to. Yipee! I hear they went digital like my evil box on the spare TV.

Speaking of which, I finally got the ANC network back on TV. Not as if I watch much of their programs, but I don't watch much of the 5 PBS channels and the spanish speaking channels either. I have other complaints with the digital box. Like how the regularly irregular weather in these here parts mess up the reception. It is worse than the satelite signal.

So, no doctor for me until next year, I hope.

It's my birthday I will cry if I want to...

Yes, it is that one day out of the year where I become another year older. You know, the cake, the card, the song. I am usually a bit conflicted on this date. I have had some rough birthdays. They tend to be disappointing.

Well today, against what I have been doing the last couple years, I went to work. It started out good - my work buds surprised me with a cake, card and a decorated office (they rock, but kept telling people I was 40... ok that was funny since I am years away from 40 and I look even younger). Then it went rough - multiple emergencies. I stayed busy all morning. I found out I could move to another office (yeah). Another emergency (yuck). I saw all my clients. I ate lunch. Then I had to move my whole office - furniture and all. Then a meeting (which went long). I hadn't even had cake with the buds. I ate some cake while the haters looked on. Then I went home for dinner with the husband. He made me dinner. We watched multiple NCIS episodes. We played with the dogs. It was nice and normal and sweet.

Then I get the call from Hannah. More about the work drama queen talking trash about us. Her thinking we should distance from, ugh, did I give her a name? Maybe it was Pamela. Anyway, it is more of the Hannah drama that I tolerate cause she is a good friend and I love her no matter how dramatic she can be. I am honest and say I am not ditching Pamela or acting any different cause we have bullies at work who figured it was time to amp back up. Maybe it is seasonal.

I love Hannah, but she is just as guilty of keeping things going as Pamela and the psycho coworker. So I just use psychology on her and state that we can only control ourselves etc etc. I just get tired of wasting time on silly stuff, like workplace gossip and toxic people. I have more serious stuff to think about - clients, security and how to stay away from the toxic people. So I will make a more conscious effort to work more and get into junk less. This does sound seasonal. I am having flashbacks from last year.

So while I talk to Hannah about Pamela I am having deja vu about a convo I had with Pamela about Hannah. Yup. I am repeating stuff I don't want to be involved in. So I am trying my best to listen and play devil's advocate and all the while not telling Hannah about the Pamela stuff and promising Hannah not to say anything to anyone.

Then I think, ok, my mother tried to call so I should call her. One of my clients had me thinking the other day when he was telling me about how the Native Americans believe it is not your birthday, but your mother's. So I call. It just made me depressed. At work they pick when I talk about my mother. I make things sound funny and emphasize the oddities of my family. They laugh. The thing is it is all true. Years ago my mother did come to visit me and actually forgot that it was my birthday. We had to tell her that the reason we went out to eat was actually for my birthday.

Anyway, it was the same old stuff. My mother is fixated on my brother-in-law (the deported 3 times guy) and getting him back in the US. She is always worried about my brother and sister and how to help them when they don't help themselves. She doesn't hear well either, so that gets interesting. It is just, well, not like you would think talking to the standard mom would be. Today I also got an email from my aunt. She only emails when it is something negative. It was a happy birthday email followed by the "I am worried about your brother's 5 kids" email.

I got thinking about my unemployeed sister, my brother's family in the homeless shelter, my brother the crack head, my mother the mentally ill/parkinsons/not mobile/going downhill... It is sad. It is really sad. Here I was enjoying the high points of the day, trying not to get sucked into the bad stuff and then reality gets me.

I am a very, very fortunate person. I have worked hard for everything I have. It just sucks that I have a whacked family. I do try and help them, but being so far away there is only so much I can do. I do feel guilty that I have all that I do and I am purposely so far away.

But tomorrow I will be talking to a handful of clients who have horrible lives and horrible backgrounds and my purpose will make more sense. The more I can let the drama bounce off me the stronger I get. The more I continue on, the less the toxic people win. Knowing that I have a purpose keeps me going.

Ok, that sounded really cheesy. I have to get back to the good rants and go on and on about how all those bitches suck and I am the greatest or no one will read these. Just kidding. The cocky side is obviously not ready to come out fully. I am just the stereotypical contemplative chick on her birthday and should be writing about how much I have grown in the past year blah blah blah. Nah, I am more the old chick so over the BS. Let's get into hippie mode and just tell people to hug it out.

Ok, I am off the floor from laughing. Just read the Four Agreements and try them out. I can't do much about other people's junk. I got lots of work to do. Paperwork never ends. I will never run out of cliets in a world full of crazies. Life is good.

The show must go on

Ever wish the The Office was your workplace? I do. I would hang with Pam and Jim. I would assist in torturing Dwight. I would find dirt on that creepy old guy.

But I don't work in The Office. I just work in an office where people have a lot more issues. But I have been busy this week. I think my "clients" are making it more interesting. Except for maybe the wiggling around people who I think are cricketing. Why do men move around so much when they are sitting. Sometimes I don't know if they are being a perv or just have ADHD.

But I am liking keeping busy at work. I am just awaiting all the changes. New head of the whole place. New head of my department. Waiting for my psycho coworker to finally loose it. Waiting to see what happens with the flirty coworker. I still think my work would make a good TV show. Think about it... the clients are always changing and some stay for a while, there are plenty of big personalities that viewers may love or hate, there are crisis at every turn, there could be violence, security is always a thought, we like to play jokes on each other, we could have guest stars... it would be awesome, like the next A-team.

Yeah, what a sales pitch. I am a sucker for psycho stuff on TV. Like how I started watching mental. But I felt it was contrived and formulaic. I didn't agree with some of the diagnoses. But I found my new addiction... Obsessed. It has some of my favs, OCD and cognitive-behavorial therapy. I even told my supervisor about it. He says it is on too late for him to watch. He's no fun, but he will add the corny one liners in the TV show and all the Freudian comments (such as "latent homosexuality" and "Freud would say he is shit out of luck"). Plus he looks a little Freudian.

Maybe we could name the TV show Freudian Slips

Or maybe Crazy Town

Or perhaps Looney Bin

Hey, I never said I was good with titles. That was part of my downfall for headlines in the newspaper biz. C'mon, you have read there titles... you tell me.

Psycho Worker

Yup. I haven't been writing. It sucks. I vent to the husband or to the coworkers. I spend more time writing what other people say to me than what I think. I spend a lot of time thinking of how to improve the "therapeutic process." Sometimes I just want to smack someone and say "You are full of crap. Suck it up." But I control myself. I definitely want to smack a coworker. Actually I have gotten as far as a plan where I stab her in the neck. It would get the point across as well as possibly lower the octive at which she speaks. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. She is also psychotic. She seems to be the main topic of conversationa round the office. It is so bad that someone asked me the other day if she has access to a gun and that I should be concerned if she does.

Not as if that would be the first time that conversation came about in the workplace. I had a coworker who gave me PTSD when his mental problems dripped out into the job and he became a security risk. Coworkers joked that he would come to work with a gun and I would be the first kill. It's not that I am confrontative with these people, yet somehow I end up being the "evil" one they end up hating. I don't mind it if it keeps them away from me. There are just some people that you don;t want to be bothered with. The current coworker is now on that list. It has been a nice couple months since she stopped speaking to me. Now I just wait for something to hit the fan so all this BS will be over. I hate when things drag on with no ending and supervisors don't want to deal with it.

With my previous problem people at work they usually end up leaving. Once I had to take myself out of the situation and move to another area to work, but the problem people ended up leaving the job not too long afterwards. This current one has been working for the company for 10 years. I have a feeling hers will not be her choice to leave. She has been not only inappropriate with coworkers, but also slacking in her duties and has boundary issues with the clients. I vote a Baker Act will be in her future. She is homocidal. My close coworkers has been the one hearing those statements from her. She went to our supervisor. That was last week. He met with her since then, but I don't know what was covered. I think it will be taken to a higher person next.

I just don't have patience for someone whose job is to assist others with their problems having all these issues. Maybe that is mean. The chick has made it so juvenile. She has the reputation of going off like this, but I think it is at a new high. She made it about not being included and people not being her friends. C'mon, it is WORK. I don't even consider her a peer at this point. We hold the same position and that is all. She thinks she is better at the gig than the rest of us too. I don't consider poor boundaries and doing things you are not suppose to being better.

Anyway, I am tired of it all. Yesterday we were off for the holiday and a coworker has a 30 minute phone call about her texting her. I tried to be supportive. I tried to give her suggestions on what to do. But I wanted to just scream. I want to say to the psychotic chick "Get the Fuck over it! We are not your friends, find them outside of work. We are not here to listen and support you, that is what therapists are for. We are not here to cater to your supposed handicaps, that is what personel is for. We work in a high security area where crisises can happen any time. Get your head out of your ass and suck it up and do your job without whining. If you don't like it get a new job. We are all fed up with your drama!" But I work in a supposedly professional place so I can't say what I want.

I also want my coworkers to just ignore her. They don't. The more they talk to me about her the more I have to vent to the husband about it. He already said he does not want to hear anything about her. I don't blame him. It is the same thing over and over. Other than being away of her about to go off I really don't want anything to do with it anymore. I told my coworker weeks ago after she said the chick made a comment about killing her ex that she will most likely have to make that call to have her locked up. We have gone to the supervisor and next week someone plans to go to his supervisor. That is all we can do until she does something. I just think that all we can control is ourselves. we can choose to not be sucked into it. We can choose not to listen to her personal drama. We can choose not to talk about her.

memory lane

Goodness how 2009 is flashing by me. I stay busy with the two gigs, keeping up with the homestead and occasionally getting out to do something. I have come across some old high school friends online. That has been interesting. My first instinct is to run and hide. I responded and was open and honest. It didn't even hurt. They want to hang out some time. It was sort of weird to tell people what I am up to now. I almost sound accomplished. Ok, I am accomplished. It has got me thinking of the me then and now. It makes me think of what I have accomplished. I may even get together with them one of these days. Once I get past the awkward/ I haven't been around them in years feelings I should be good.

What I think is interesting is that the gang of them have been hanging together all these years. While I have had friends come and go they stuck with each other. I have great respect for that. I used to think it was me that had friend problems. The thing is people do come and go. When I was younger I thought I had trouble sustaining friendships. I would choose the wrong people who had the issues themselves and wonder why the friendship did not continue. I would give frinedships multiple tries. I would let the previous issues go in order to try again. Eventually I learned that they were still not good friends. Eventually the friendship would end.

Like DJ or as I still refer to her as "the one formally known as my sister." I still think of that situation from time to time. I went thru feeling hurt, feeling disappointed, feeling abandoned. I had to let go and realize that I was trying to hold onto a dysfunctional and non-healthy relationship for the sake of having known her for so long. I realized that she had "dumped me" multiple times throughout the years. That is not the sort of friend I want. Yes, I have high expectations of people, but I look for the best and accept much I shouldn't.

So here I am, nearly two years after the fall out. I get a christmas card and birthday card from mom, but no calls, no contact. Our mutual friend is still listed on my friend's list, but I don't get messages. I think it took longer to get over the hurt than to mourn the loss of a friendship. I thought they were the family I didn't have and that they would stick with me. I thought it was unconditional love. I was wrong. That is why it stuck with me for so long. That is why I dreamt about them. That is why it upset me.

I don;t have the dreams lately. I haven't run into anyone in a long long time. I think I will be fine. I may just send back the next card.

Old Bird Flu

I hate these new fangled viruses. The cold or whatever is still hanging on. After arguing with the Milkman I took some Nyquil last night. Well, for some reason it has residual affects on me the day after. I felt drugged and then feel asleep in the afternoon. Therefore I had bizarre dreams including me and some inmates stopping a crime and getting recognized for it, then I was in the show Welcome Back Kotter. I realized then it was time to get up. I wasn't even into that show.

I have been out of it all day. I am just now feeling clear headed. The Milkman is asleep and I am watching "The Bird is the word" episode of Family Guy. Yes, this season has been lacking, yet like I do when it comes to deplorable television, I keep watching. I admit that I watch some serious crap. This goes way back to childhood. I watched Fox sitcoms before they got decent. I saw Mathew Perry in far too many sitcoms. I remember Ellen being a receptionist in some real estate formulatic piece of... I still watch some things that I would dare not admit to. Even with a DVR and Blockbuster DVDs coming on the mail I will watch whatever is on. Even if it is cheesy reality TV (The Girls Next Door, Real Housewives or those nauseating Kardashians). I have watched far too mnay do it yourself/home restoration/decorating shows. No one would dare guess how much I have consumed at the salmonilla buffet that is satelite TV.

When I go to the in-laws it gets even worse. My mother in-law is all about the Lifetime TV movies. These I detest and have blocked that channel from my receivers. I dare not tell her this and try to stay on her good side. I have sat thru many Christmas movies that involve a chick looking for love and resisting the guy who happened to come thru town and annoys her. The boy meets girl formula makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Yet I let my brain go numb and suck it up. They are my in-laws and for some reason they love me. It might be because I am the only one who mariied their son and the only one who came with her own car, house and a job. Not to say that my mother doesn't adore the Milkman. But she loves anyone with a penis. Heck, my crack head brother is her favorite. I guess that is what happens when you are in a family heavy with women, all be it hairy masculine women. When a sausage comes along they hop on it.

But the Milkman is cool with my mother. He says that he grew up down the street from a mental hospital, so he knows how crazy is. The chicks at work tried to make me feel guilty this week when I talked about my mother and her impending death. Not that she is ill, just that she is old and therefore closer to death. They think it is mean when I joke about her death, about being in charge of the whole matter and how there is a spot with her parents already reserved. I joke about getting two days off for the whole thing. I joke about her latest disease. She has a bunch. My grandmother, up until her death, was way healthier than my mother. My mother doesn't have much, so collecting illnesses like they were Himmel dolls.

But I jest because that is what has worked in life. I explained to my coworkers that I am the parfent in the relationship and she is very much a child. She does well in the nursing home. Plus it gives me more material. Like how she can't escape and come visit. How I don;t have to take her out somewhere when I visit because of her lack of mobility. How many people can say that their mother has a friend over one hundred. Or that when she first got to the home she was one of the youngest ones there. C'mon, that is pretty cool for the old folks. I try and remind my mother all the time how old she is and how everything that comes up is due to being old :)